Because this is the way its suppose to be!

(Look at that beautiful red in my kitchen! I love it!)

Yesterday was awful! I can't even pinpoint the one thing that made it that way. I was once again on my period (its on and off for a solid week), Eli was acting two instead of four...extrememly whiney and needy. Zahavah was acting out because Eli was fussy. All the while I'm looking at this mountain of paperwork trying to figure out how to get everything notorized and authenticated at the proper time so nothing expires while we are in Ethiopia...since our homestudy is not complete yet! Which was grating on my nerves...BADLY! And even at that...it doesn't really matter till our homestudy is complete because its only then...that we will take stuff in to get authenticated. Whew!
And Satan was attacking me emotionally....I mean who in the world really feels like they are worthy of adopting an orphan? Not I! And at that we are still trying to figure out if we should adopt one child or two?! A year ago...Brett and I were hands down willing to adopt two. (A year ago our children were all a year younger too...seems strange that we would now reconsider since they are older). And now...I struggle with fears, the unknowns, my worth, my ability. I hit the message boards to talk to other moms...and THANK GOD...this is normal. I'm not the first to contemplate all those things...they too have been where I am at. They were so encouraging. I love it when I get affirmation to what I am already feeling...and yesterday I felt Satan was attacking...and HE WAS, because that is the way its suppose to be when you are working on behalf of God's orphans. Satan will be out to feed you as many lies as you are willing to believe! He does not want God's orphans taken care of....ever!
Today is much better. I'm fasting from sugar and sweets. Straight up black coffee for me! :) And the kids are worlds better too. You have to have the dark days to appreciate the bright ones.
So today...I managed to get my kitchen clean...and if you know what my kitchen usually looks like...then you know why it took a good chunk of the morning to get it looking tidy! Took pictures of it from several different angles for our dossier (Ethiopia paperwork). Patted myself on the back and accepted that there is no way on God's green earth I'm going to do any of the other room they want to see...today. Forget it! I will go to the court house today and pick up four certified birth certificates and our home assessment from the housing people. Again...pattin myself on the back that I accomplished something today in regards to this marathon we are running (aka international adoption).
I spoke with Daniel (from our adoption agency) today...first time ever, typically its just emails between us. He was very kind. Then later I spoke with Diane (from our homestudy agency)...we love her! She is so sweet and a chatty cathy like me!!! So we hit it off great. She said if all our ducks are in a row and all the paperwork comes together quicker than usual, then she was ok with moving our homestudy appts up!!! This is great news. This means...I can start applying for grants sooner than later! And...that also means we can work Dossier stuff quicker as well (although that is not my hurry b/c that paperwork seems very daunting and makes me very nervous...every i has to be dotted right and every t has to be crossed correctly or its all worth nothing and void). YIKES!

We are moving....

forward with the adoption...I have never been one to move slow. So imagine how I am handling the adoption process...which by nature is a marathon, not a sprint.
So where are we? We are working on what feels like lots of things at the sametime, but really its only two things at the sametime...our homestudy and our dossier. But both of those things have TONS of paperwork. Some of it is the same, so that kinda makes it easier and it can also make it a bit tricky. Some paperwork to one agency doesn't need notarized and some does...ahhhh...make sure it goes to the right agency!!!!
We are walking forward and takin in all the paperwork as it comes...and so far WE are staying on top of it. Brett has been amazing at taking time to fill in as much as he can. We were in the car two hours on Saturday for our homestudy interview...so he filled out paper on the way there. Then ofcourse we got a fresh stack of paperwork from our HS caseworker...so I filled that out on the way home. :) We will win! We are a great team!
We are super excited. We are a bit nervous...we continue to openly talk about genders and ages of the kids. And our caseworker is right...if we were handed two pics and told...these children need a loving forever family...ofcourse we would take them. But in my pathetic human mind...I think I know what is best for our family. I ofcourse want another girl around Z's age and a boy around E's age. But in the end...we know God knows best. More to come...I'm tired from checking out Classical Conversations this morning...which is a whole other post for another time...on our family blog.
:)

Where is she and where are we?

The Momma I met walking 18th street with her baby has left town. Her time at the shelter was up. I helped her pack up my van to go and meet her boyfriend. They went to a small hotel in a small rural town to stay for the next two weeks. Before she left I introduced her to an adoption attorney. She had told me she had made up her mind to place her baby for adoption. She met with the attorney and told the attorney she did NOT want to place her baby with us...because she now "knows" us and knows where we live. She doesn't want to know any of that information about the potential family.
How did I feel about that? Well, honestly...we had been praying for clarity. Domestic adoption was not / is not our interest. But we wanted to be obedient if that was what God was calling us to. So we prayed and prayed and prayed. And we said, "if this is what you want, we are open to it." We know God loves all the children and who are we to say..."no we only want a child from Africa." That (in my opinion) is closed minded. Momma has lots of financial needs NOW that Brett and I could not provide NOW for her. But the attorney has potential adoptive parents that can meet her immediate needs. We feel that even though her reasons are different from our reasons...it was all God's work. We feel we were a light for her in a very dark period of her life. We are still in contact with her...as much as texting will allow. She knows where we live if she needs us. Its a sad situation. We pray for her that she can make wise decisions with her life.
Now where are we? We are working on our international homestudy.
How did I feel about that small voice asking me if I would be open to something else if he had another plan for our adoption? (see previous post). I struggled with that for awhile. I know it was the voice of God speaking to my heart. I think God wanted to know if Brett and I would be obedient. Not as extreme, but God has "tested" obedience before...read the story of Abraham and Isaac. I think we got confirmation by her choosing to place with another family even though we were willing. And we most definitely got confirmation in our own hearts that we are in love with Africa and her orphans more and more everyday. Doing the homestudy opens your eyes to the passion that burns in your heart for orphans. We have such a strong desire to continue our African adoption. Unless God closes this door and directs our attention elsewhere...we are walking forward with full anticipation and excitement!!!!!